Picture it: The year is 1907. Harris Newmark, a bearded titan of LA industry and real estate, leans back in his chair, sips some citrus wine (because yes, LA used to have vineyards), and says:
>“You know what this town needs? A name. Preferably mine.”
And thus, in an alternate timeline, Montebello is born as Newmark, California — a name that sounds less like “beautiful mountain” and more like a venture capital firm or a Wall Street lawyer who definitely yells at interns.
But what if that did happen?
The Rebranding Woes: Newmark Doesn’t Exactly Sing
Let’s face it, "Newmark" has all the charisma of someone who corrects your grammar at a party. Imagine trying to sell that on a tourism billboard:
>“Visit Newmark — It’s like Montebello, but more... declarative.”
The classic Montebello golf course? Now it’s “Newmark Municipal Greens.” Romantic dinner in the hills? “Dine in the shadows of the San Gabriel Valley... in Newmark.” Feels less like a date night and more like a PowerPoint presentation.
Newmark High School’s Mascot? Probably an Accountant
Montebello High School’s mascot is the Oilers — a nod to the city’s rich petroleum history. But in Newmark? We’re probably dealing with the Fiscals or the Bookkeepers. Friday night football games would feature chants like:
>“Let’s go spreadsheets! Let’s go audits!”
You thought Montebello was overlooked before? Newmark High would be the school that other schools use as a punchline.
Other Cities Would Feel the Pressure to Re-Name Themselves Too
Once Montebello goes full founder-name, other LA towns might follow suit:
- Santa Monica becomes Jonesville, after its early settler Robert Baker’s wife, Arcadia Bandini de Stearns Baker (too long for a sign).
- Downey becomes Balltown, honoring the Ball family (and sounding like a weird sports-themed amusement park).
- Compton might lean into being Watsonia, after Griffith D. Compton's pal and rival landowner.
Before you know it, LA becomes a Monopoly board of surnames. Getting from Pasadena to the beach requires navigating places like Slauson Heights, Cabrillo Junction, and Van Nuysopolis.
Pop Culture Implications? Oh, They’re Real.
You think Michael Jackson would proudly say he was from Newmark? No chance. “2300 Jackson Street, Newmark, CA” doesn’t even rhyme.
You’d never hear a song titled "Montebello Nights." Instead, you'd get "Late Fees in Newmark." Not quite the same vibe.
And forget Fast & Furious filming in East LA. They’d shoot in Newmark Industrial Park, where the closest thing to racing is the DMV line moving too fast and confusing everyone.
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The Political Consequences: Meetings Would Take 37% Longer
"Newmark" screams city council meeting that goes until 11 p.m. It’s a name destined for procedural drama. “The Newmark Planning Commission Subcommittee on Sidewalk Tree Root Displacement Policy” would be the hottest ticket in town — for no one.
And Yet… Harris Newmark Kinda Deserves It?
Real talk: Newmark did help build LA. He wrote the book "Sixty Years in Southern California", and had a hand in everything from water development to education to the actual founding of Montebello. So maybe he earned the right to slap his name on a map.
But then again, so did a lot of folks — and we all dodged bullets like:
- Griffithville (Griffith Park)
- Flemingtown (Fleming’s Wharf, long gone)
- Workmanopolis (after William Workman — sounds like a boot brand)
Thank You, Italian-Spanish Hybrid Naming Aesthetic
In the end, Montebello just sounds better. It rolls off the tongue like something you'd find on a wine label or a sunset brochure. Newmark sounds like where you’d go to file a tax extension.
So let’s raise a toast to the road not taken. Because if we were living in Newmark today, we’d probably be sipping overpriced oat milk in a place called Brisket Flats instead of Montebello’s cozy cafés — wondering why everything sounds like an HOA letter.
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